A little time ago a man who I worked with made a statement that was to inspire a whole series of ludicrous illustrations. I don't know where sed-man got his brain from but I assume it was dug up during an episode of 'Time Team' because on this particular occasion we were in the kitchen when he turned to me and said; "you'll make a very poor woman and an even worse wife with THOSE cooking skills." Its true my culinary talents would put Greg Wallace into a coma. Still.. I was angry that my worth as a woman would be boiled down to my credibility in the kitchen. (Well I say boil.. that would all depend on whether I worked out how to light a hob.) Fuelled by this blatant pang of misogyny; I was motivated to create a series of images and recipes that intend to celebrate those of us, more creative then practical. I invite you to feast your eyes upon my series of 12 absolutely diabolical food combinations, because what I cannot do with kitchen utensils I can achieve with watercolour pencils and pens and thats good enough for me!
This is a genius all-in-one 2 course meal recipe. After you've cooked this dish once; your family and friends will be proclaiming the end of an era for dinner followed by pudding.
Prep time - 15 minutes
Cook time - 1 hour
Ingredients
- Whole fish
- Sponge mix
1) First you will need to visit your local market for some whole fish. (It doesn't matter which type you get so long as it has its eyes and tail as this is key to the aesthetic of the cake.)
2) You will need to prepare a 'Victoria Sponge' from scratch by purchasing a box of cake-mix.
3) You then mix the cake mix.
4) Once the cake mix has been put in a tin you can put it in the oven on whatever setting you fancy at the time.
5) Once the cake has cooked through; you can then remember that you forgot to grease the tin -
try and extract the cake in whatever means possible.
6) Once you have iced and jammed your cake you can gently push your cooked/uncooked fish into the sides of the cake - it is now really to serve!
Bon appetite!
This absolute treat of a dish is best served at group events as a Pudding or appetiser as it is a welcome crowd-pleaser at any special-occasion gathering.
Prep time - 5 minutes to a couple of weeks.
Ingredients
- Snails
- Mixed fruit
Method
(Now the reason why this particular recipe has a rather eccentric prep time is that there is no consistency with snail hunting. When you do actually find a snail it is hardly ever with your eyes and there is no grace in serving a snail that has been trod on so you really have to wait for the drizzly season, when the slimy chaps all take to the streets.)
1) Get some fruit.
2) Peel slice and arrange your fruit.
3) When you have rounded up about 5-10 snails pop them on the tray and encourage them to mingle around.
TOP TIP - it is highly suggested that one doesn't physically eat the snails as they are just there for decoration like figurines on a wedding cake.
If you peep your head into the kitchen of any reputable 5 star restaurant - you will find high-skill chefs scheming to get there hands on this recipe and the secret for transforming alphabet soup into a stylish pudding. Here's how -
Preparation time - 2 hours
Ingredients
- Shop bought jelly (home-made jelly is for losers)
- Alphabet soup
- Some decoration
Method
1) Go to the supermarket and buy a packet of red 'just add water' jelly and a tin of alphabet soup.
2) Boil the kettle and add the water to the jelly.
3) Now for the elegant secret; you put the alphabet soup through a sieve so all that remains is pasta letters.
4) Once you have done this - add the letters to the Jelly.
5) After the Jelly has set you simply add outer decoration that appeals, for me the winning combo has got to be kiwi and anchovy.
This nice and easy recipe is perfect for those getting into shape, because it is a salad. It is also good if you are a fickle slave to the naughtier food groups because the dish is garnished with pick n' mix.
Prep time - 15 minutes
Ingredients
- Veg
- Sweeties
Method
1. You don't need me to tell you how to mix veg and sweeties.
(The dressing has been left out of this high nutrition recipe for health reasons however if you are a condiment fiend who cannot change their ways; you can add a discretionary sprinkling of icing sugar)
This recipe ultimately puts the flag on the mountain for pineapple-on-pizza campaigners everywhere. This is the perfect dish to serve to all your friends that will help you drive your point across that not only does pineapple belong on Pizza but Pizza in fact belongs on Pineapple.
Prep time - 10 minutes
Cook time - 25 minutes
Ingredients
- A Frozen Supermarket Pizza
- A biggish' Pineapple
Method
1) Take the Pizza out the sleeve and remove all packaging.
2) Pop the Pizza on a tray or just loose on the oven shelf and turn the dial until the oven makes a noise and the Pizza gets a spotlight.
3) Whilst the Pizza cooks you can prepare the Pineapple by slicing out a wheel of the stuff upon which to serve your slice of Pizza.(You can actually cut the pineapple rind off as it makes it easier to eat but I wouldn't recommend it as this adds 1 minutes to the overall meal-prep time.)
4) Pop the pizza on the pineapple and enjoy!
This is an old breakfast staple with a twist!
Cook time - 10 minutes.
Eating time - longer than you'd think; its an extraordinarily hard dish to eat but you'll figure it out.
Ingredients
- Toast
- Lollies
1) Pop a couple of slices into the toaster.
2) When it comes out burnt use a butter-knife to scrape off the offending crumb.
3) You then simply unwrap and arrange your Lollipops on the toast!
4) Enjoy! (or at least endeavour to)
We are going for exotic opulence with this recipe! I've neither seen, eaten nor cooked 'Rainbow Trout' and that to me is the definition of exotic.
Cook time - I'm yet to round up an average.
Ingredients
- Rainbow trout
- Baked beans
- Glacier cherries
Method
1) Heat a whole tin of bake beans.
2) Keep the beans on the boil until the sauce burns and sticks to the bottom of the pan.
(The previous step isn't crucial but if your brain is more arts and crafts then cooking times; it will be unavoidable)
3) Put the beans on a plate (the plate will not be big enough for a whole tin so just passively accept your fate as the beans slip onto the table)
4) Stand and stare at the rainbow trout and contemplate googling the cooking instructions for rainbow trout.
5) Decide life it too short to be googling cooking instructions for rainbow trout.
6) Put the rainbow trout in the oven for an excessive length of time - I'f you're worried about the chance of giving yourself food poisoning it is always best to over-compensate.
7) Arrange the trout on the beans and the cherries on the trout.
8) Serve with cucumber tea (if there is such a thing)
This absolutely exquisite recipe combines complimentary flavours such as tomatoes and sprinkles and of course chocolate sauce with carrots. It is perfect for any summer gathering because of its wide-spread appeal.
Prep time - 20 minutes
Ingredients
- Tomatoes
- Sprouts
- Heritage Carrots (because they sound all Shoreditch)
- Metropolitan ice-cream.
- Sauce and sprinkles
Method
1) Lob some ice-cream scoops onto a sundae dish.
2) chop some veggies up and arrange them like a piece of mid-late Italian renaissance art.
2) chop some veggies up and arrange them like a piece of mid-late Italian renaissance art.
3) serve!
As you can see, this is a cheeky twist on the autumnal classic - the 'Toffee Apple'. This recipe is great, not just for treating your guests and loved ones, but also for the inclusion of the crustaceans themselves who hardly ever get invited to Guy Fawkes Night.
Cook time - unsure
Ingredients
- Toffee
- Crab
Method
1) Start by putting your pre-bought whole crab onto a stick or small piece of dowel.
2) Make the toffee from scratch by mixing together tea and coffee. (my editor says this is factually incorrect but then this is a man who wears shoe liners instead of socks so I've stopped taking his advice)
3) Pour the toffee onto the crab and wait for it to set.
4) Sprinkle sprinkles on the crabs and serve.
If you actually manage to eat the toffee crab, good for you! I'll eat my hat if you manage it. (Which is not as unpleasant as you'd imagine as I have a good recipe for that too.)
So; its Friday and your mates are over because Friday is chippy-tea Friday. Only THIS Friday its Louise's hen-do and something must be done, as phallic balloons really do not ceremonialize the event single handedly. Its got to be the classic pre-wedding splurge - the glitter with chips.
Cook time - depends how far you live from the nearest chippy which is vintage enough to serve their chips in newspaper.
Ingredients
- Shop bought chips
- Pink glitter
- A Tinklefin Shiner (Of course a battered cod is more traditional but if its your mates Hen-do then a more exotic fish will be preferable)
Method
1) Assemble the elements the only way a portion of chips sprinkled with glitter and a side of Tinklefin, can be.
I once watched an episode of Obelix and Asterix as a child and I remember that one of the characters took a bite from a bar of soap. I was really taken with this moment and had a strong instinctive feeling that the soap would taste like roses and blancmange, so at the first chance I could get; I took a big mouthful of the stuff myself. Yeah it made me throw up in the bath but I saw potential in the flavour dynamics which is why the tinned soup pictured above will feature notes of soap and the addition of an entire banana.
Cook time - 20 minutes
Ingredients
- Soap
- Soup
- Banana
Method
1. Crack open a can of carrot and coriander soup - ring-pull preferably.
2. Heat it.
3. Peel the banana and bath it in the soup.
4. Go to the bathroom and have a look on the side of the bath or sink for some soap, if you have any choices - I'd say Rose is preferable to lily of the valley where flavour is concerned but definitely do stay clear of bergamot.
Now, everyone hates Christmas pud so not only may you set fire to the traditional Christmas dessert but you can also bin it as well! With this new recipe not only can you be set to find a silver coin inside but you shall indeed find everything you've ever found down the back of the sofa!
Cook time - depends how unkempt your lounge is.
Ingredients
- Everything you've ever found down the back of the sofa
- Christmas crumbs
Method
1. We don't discriminate big from small; everything you collate from betwixt the sofa cushions - goes in the dish.
2. Mix your medley up with the other key ingredient; the Christmas crumbs and soak for 3-4 months in cognac and whiskey.
3. When set, the pudding is ready to serve! Please don't light it though...
'Pretty, Bad Recipes' written and illustrated by Esther Cross.
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